Emmy part 2

Five. I hate that number. I was at a five forever. My stupid cervix wouldn't move. They kept upping my pitocine but it wasn't working. Finally they broke my water, That got it moving a little. Then the pain came.

My nurse kept asking me if I wanted my epidural. I kept saying "not yet" because I didn't want to feel one ounce of pushing her out. I was already in enough pain, and I was not about to get my epidural and have it wear off before. Finally my doctor came to check on me, she told me there was no reason to wait, that I didn't have to be brave. So I asked for it.

The man with the needle came. He was cold. He was there to do his job and nothing else. Afterwords Matt would comment on how offensive it was that he didn't have more sympathy for me. There he was, taking care of me again. I have never been so grateful to have him by my side. 

Then it happened. The moment I was dreading, and the moment I was looking forward to all at the same time. I could feel her head. She was ready to come out. 

Matt went down the hall to tell the nurse. The pressure was terrifying, I felt like I wanted to die. I was also afraid of dying. I know now that was irrational to think that, But I honestly thought I was going to die. 

The nurse came in, checked me, and said she was ready to come out. What an amazing nurse. Not once did she act like my labor was any less important than someone having an alive baby. She talked about her in present tense. She talked about her with concern and kindness. She prepped me, putting my legs up for me, I was numb. I couldn't do it by myself. 

I looked at Matt. I could tell he wasn't ready for this. The nurse had him hold my leg, he really didn't want to. So I asked him to come up by my head and sit instead. I think I just saved him from passing out. After all, this was his daughter too. He needed my support as much as I needed his. 

My mom sat in a chair by the window. She was quite. A look of pure sadness was on her face. She wasn't ready for this either. She kept giving me looks of support letting me know she was there if I needed her. 

The doctor came in, she asked me if I wanted her on my belly. I quickly said no. The thought of that horrified me. At this point I didn't know if I even wanted to hold her. 

I began to push, everyone kept encouraging me. I wanted to give up. It was like a cruel joke. Yeah, push her out, but you don't get to keep her, so don't get excited. So cruel. 

Finally the last push. She came out, but barley, the cord was wrapped around not only her neck, but her entire body. The thought that my body gave her life, and then my body took it away would later come to obsess my thoughts with hatred for myself. 

She was beautiful, Absolutely stunning. The moment I saw her was a bittersweet moment. It cut deep. I started sobbing so intensely I was worried I was going to pass out. I lost it. I couldn't breath, I could think. Every ounce of strength I had disappeared. Yet all at the same time, I still got that mothers pride. She was still mine. Still my baby. She looked just like her daddy. 

It never occurred to me that they wouldn't have all of the "after birth" tools. No baby warmer. No nurse to wipe her off and swaddle her. Nothing. Just a simple baby basket. That's it. That part tore at my soul. 

I politely demanded they give her to me. I wanted her so badly. All that fear of holding her, quickly got replaced by the realization that this was it, the only time I got to hold her, kiss her, absorb her. So they wrapped her in some sort of plastic blue pad because her skin was so fragile, and handed her to me. Being ever so careful with her.

I looked over at my mom and Matt. They had both become consumed with grief. I just kept saying over and over again "look how perfect she is." She was perfect. 6 pounds 3 ounces, 19 inches long, Beautiful dark brown hair, Long fingers and tiny toes. Perfect. 

I just stared at her. Tears falling off of my face onto hers. She looked like she was sleeping. Why wouldn't she wake up? It was all to much to handle. 

After they all told us how beautiful she was the nurses, the doctor, and my mom left us alone. We were quite. Matt still didn't want to hold her. He felt guilty for thinking before about how much of a hassle it is to have a newborn. He would give anything for that now. The late nights, the dirty diapers.

 After a while of me telling him that he would regret it if he didn't hold her, he finally did. He held her and loved her, while touching her tiny fingers. Tears streamed down his face as he whispered "daddy loves you." That image will forever be in my mind, I'm so grateful for that. 

I didn't want visitors, I wanted to be selfish. I didn't want to share her. But as I realized that we were not the only ones grieving I was opened to the idea of a few people. 

Matt's parents and sister came up first. They walked in, I'm sure not knowing what to say. They touched her hair, held her hand, And kissed her forehead. Everyone comment on how much she looked like Matt. They didn't stay long, I'm sure out of respect for me. But I was grateful they got to see her. 

My dad came up next, my mom was still in the hall. She joined him. This part really upsets me. My dad, the biggest teddy bear Who had just barley told my mom last week how excited he was to hold her was there, heart broken. I could see the pain in his eyes. I could tell he wanted to break down. He never got to have that first papa-grandchild picture that he has with his other grandchildren. I could tell how much he loved her, how much he loved me. My heart breaks more. I love you daddy. 

My mom went out to make some phone calls. Matt went to grab some food. All of the sudden I felt like I had to throw up, it was coming, and fast. I frantically told my dad he had to take Emmy. The nurse came in just in time to grab me a pail. It came out. My body was so tired. I was so traumatized. I needed to rest, but couldn't. I was beginning to go emotionally numb. Would this day ever end? 

My parents decided to leave and give us some time. My dad thanked me later for letting him say goodbye to her.

Matt was so exhausted and was missing Izzy. He needed to see her, and she needed to see him. So I told him to go. Honestly I needed alone time with her. I needed to be free to talk to her. So I began...