I began to speak.
"Hi my sweet girl, mommy loves you so much." I began to weep. So hard that I couldn't see. "I'm so sorry honey. I'm so sorry." I wanted her to know how much I wanted her. I began to cry harder. My whole body was shaking. I started to get angry again. People were already telling me that this must have happened for a reason, that god must have needed another angel. I hated that. Didn't they know that I wanted her? That she was supposed to stay with me? That no one could love her, and care for her like I could?! God has plenty of angels. I needed her here. I began to talk again, "I'm so sorry baby, I would have taken all your pain if I could. In my head, I had this vision of her, yearning to hear my voice as she passed on to heaven. I pictured her so scared and wanting me. The thought kills me.
The realization that my time with her was getting shorter, sent me into a panic. I needed to be her mama. I wasn't ready to give her up yet.
When Izzy was a baby, I made up this song to comfort her. I used to sing it quietly into her ear as she fell asleep. "Izzybelle, Izzybelle, I love you my Izzybelle. I love your eyes, and I love your toes, and your cute little button nose." To this day she still loves when I sing the song to her.
Thinking that Emmy would never get this, broke my soul. So I frantically searched my heart for words. As quickly as I searched, I found them. I leaned over so my face was next to hers. "Emmy bear, Emmy bear, I love you my Emmy bear, I'll memorize your face, we will embrace, one day up in heaven."
Again I said I was so sorry, I felt like I failed her. I then told her all about her sister, how funny and smart she was. I told her that she was so excited for her baby sister to get here. I told her about her daddy, and how that stubborn heart of his, was softened the day he became a father. I told her about me, and how my love for her would never end.
All of the sudden the wonderful ladies from share parents arrived. They were truly aching for me, they to had been through this. They had me pick out an outfit for her. A perfectly pink striped footie pajamas. They asked me if I wanted a hat for her or just a bow. Just a bow of course. She had to show off that beautiful hair. Then they took her, to clean her off, to take pictures and to do hand and feet molds.
Right when Matt returned, the social worker showed up. I didn't want her here. I wanted her to leave. She sat down and got right to business. "Did you want the body cremated or buried?" She said.
My mind ran with rage, how dare she refer to her as a body. She was my daughter. My baby. "Buried" I said.
"Opened or closed casket?" I'm not sure why she needed to know this. "Closed, no wait, open." I wanted to show people how beautiful she was. Definitely open.
She handed me the death certificate to fill out. It was all to much. I couldn't do it. The thought of me filling out a death certificate for my daughter was painful. I handed it to Matt. I felt like a child. Not an adult. I was too young for this. I shouldn't have to be doing this. I felt overwhelmed. Talks of autopsys and extra tests made my stomach turn. No, no autopsy. Just leave my baby be. She's perfect.
The social worker asked what happend to make her pass away. It was none of her business. I asked her to leave.
My nurse told me she wouldn't let me leave tonight if I didn't eat something. I didn't want to. I wanted to punish myself. I wasn't hungry anyhow. Maybe I should shower? I smell.
They finally brought her back. They commented on how she looked so beautiful. How she looked like she was ready to go home. Stab to the heart. I know they didn't mean it like that. We held her for another hour.
It was time to say goodbye. I didn't realize at the time I would see her at the funeral, so the thought of saying goodbye killed me. How do you say goodbye to someone you love more than life itself?
Matt sat down on the bed next to me, I said, " I think it's time." Even though I said that I instantly regretted it. He said that he agreed.
We sat there, both of us holding her hands. Kissing her head. Telling her to never question our love for her. Telling her, that her sissy loved her too. We decided that it would be to traumatic and confusing for Izzy to see her. A decision I still stand by.
"Goodbye baby girl, no, not goodbye, see you later." I started to cry again. "Matt I don't want to say goodbye, I don't want to let her go, please don't make me let her go." He held me, he told me I could hold her for as long as they would let me, if I wanted. But I knew it was time. The longer I waited, the harder it would be.
Matt went down the hall to tell the nurse we were ready. As they came, I instantly felt panic. This was goodbye. We both kissed her. The nurse wrapped her in a blanket, then picked her up. She was so careful with her. She said, "You know, if you want to change your mind and see her again, that's ok, I can bring her back." Then she walked out. I knew if it was up to me I would want her again. But I didn't know what was right for my sanity. For Matt's sanity. We decided we would see her on Friday.
Bri came to see me, I was so glad. I needed to see her. Marissa and Lisa came back too, with a basket of necessities. I was so grateful to them. Toothbrush, deodorant, pads, pjs and so much more. We needed all of that. After all we never planned to stay.
I wanted to shower. Matt helped me up, helped me get in the shower, and even helped me wash my hair. I told him I needed a minute.
I sat there. Water pouring down on me. I looked at my stomach. It still looked like I was pregnant. I wished I still was pregnant. I had run out of tears at this point. I just sat there, and stared at nothing. Thinking how surreal this all was. Wondering if I was going to make it through.
The doctor gave me the ok to go home, but only after I ate. I did, half of a club sandwich. I really wanted to go home.
Matt took everything out to the car, then came back to get me. He helped me in the wheelchair. I was so glad my parents had taken the double stroller and car seat out if my car so I wouldn't have to see them. We wheeled down the hall. As we passed one room I could hear a babies heartbeat on the monitor. I was so jealous of that heartbeat. The sound rang in my ears.
Home. We were finally home. Izzy was at my parents house. I missed her but was so glad for the quite time. I needed to think, and sleep.
I sat on the bed, Matt next to me. We opened the memory box that share parents gave to us. In it, was everything she touched. Her pjs, her blanket, even a lock of her hair. Seeing that made Matt break down again. He just held the little plastic bag, staring at her dark brown hair. Crying. We decided to finish looking at it later. We went to bed. I, with Emmys blanket. I could still smell her on it. I was never going to let it go.
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